Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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