If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
