So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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