I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
