dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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