someone get that fucking seahorse.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
