I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
