He had one of those small greek statue penises
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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