You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
too bad you live with your parents still
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
