Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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