Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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