So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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