tell your sister to shave her snatch
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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