Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
