Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
