In America we eat man semen.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
