Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
