Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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