I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
