Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
