dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
