Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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