I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
