God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
