Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
