WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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