Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
