advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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