I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
