time to smoke my breakfast
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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