i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize