Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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