How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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