i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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