My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
