I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I will pee on everything he values.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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