All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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