I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
