i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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