UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
