Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize