So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
