watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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