I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
