I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
