The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My feet surprised me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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