puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
