I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
