dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
