Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
