I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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