every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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