Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
