Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize