I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
