hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
